We have a new guest contributor, Rev. Petroleum V Nasby, that has strong opinions about your strong opinions. We recently intercepted a private letter from the Reverend to his friend Aloysius about the omnipresent tennis-pickleball debate.

Based on their accent, we suspect they originate from the forested hills surrounding Timber Cove. Or maybe they’re from Valley Ford. Either way, they’re not originally from around here.

Please welcome them to the contributor pit here at The Sea Ranch Reader and enjoy their provocative letter:

Deer Aloysius:

Eye seen on tha See Wrench Listsurv thet tha eeternul baddle tween pikkelbowl and tennus has reart itz uglie hed agin. Tha hole kerfuffel sart uv remands me uv them Narth Koreens triyen tataik ovr Sowth Koreeyah but forchoonatly owr Merican boyz droo a lahn raht akross thar an everbodie gots ta stay on thar ohn sahd.

Ah hain’t hear ta diskuss innernashunal deeplomasie butt ah haz foun owt sumthang purdy diskonsertin. Them pikkelbowlerz ain’t hoo they clames ta bee. Shore they tawk bout hellthee extersize an polighit soshulizin. Butt sekertly, behahn clost dars, they iz nuthin but agens of Satan. Yassir, swornd folluwers uv Beelzebub, prinse uv darknest.

How duz eye no thiz? Well jas sat an listun ta won uv they pikkelbowl korntests. Wack! Smak! Zap! Thet thear ball iz whizzin roun klose ta tha speed uv lite an tha soun it makes iz hpnotik, putting them pikkelbowlerz inta a transe strate from tha Pit. Wach them klose, they’s all pikkelbowl this an pikkelboll thet, an if thet ain’t no kult ah downt no wat iz.

Tha finull peece uv tha puzzel iz tha pikkelbowl kort isself. Lahnes. All kinna lahnes what maik no cense ta tha god-feering See Wrencher, but iz a sekret coad ta tha deemon lejuns uv pikkelbowlerz. Taik them lahnes apart an put em bak tagether a differnt way an whut ya got?

Won uv them upsahde down starz an you no well az me, thets won uv them penteegrams, uh simbowl uv Loosifer hisself. Tha evul trooth iz pikkelbowl iz a plott raht owt uv tha fahr an brimstohn an itz adheerentz wont nuthin moor then ta korrupt tha sowls uv tha redwoud faethfull.

Yassir, theys a dahnger ta tha See Wrench! They starts owt small jes lahk my Unkle Cletus karbuncle on his toe whut growed til it eight up hist hole leg an thets jes whut pikkelbowl iz doin heer in owr coommunitee. Thees sinful pikkelbowlers mus reepent an give up they deepravt spart fore See Wrench bekomez uh sesspool uv Satan luvin, pikkelbowl evil.

Pleez greet yer deer wahf an tell her Mizzus Nasby kould yoose her hep restranging her ol tennus rakket.

Your obliged servant,

Rev Petroleum V Nasby