Dear The Sea Ranch Association Board of Directors,

We have some bad news. One of our editors wanted to be considered for the open, interim board seat left by Michael Kleeman. We took a vote, and the motion narrowly passed. Then, after that passed, another one of us jumped on the bandwagon. Then another. Next thing you know, even those that initially voted against the motion wanted to throw their hat into the ring as well.

Most weeks, being part of the editorial staff here is exhausting.

So, with great reluctance and ambivalence, some of our editors are entering the race and seeking maybe 2 or 3 votes from the current board members.

Why are any of our editors fit to represent the interests of the greater The Sea Ranch community? Because they have the experience, passion, and ample free time to do the job.

Let’s take a closer look at where they sometimes fall on the issues, when forced into a corner:

Forests

We support trees unless they are in front of our houses. Or, when we think about it, on any side of our houses. Basically, trees are fine as long as they aren’t anywhere near our houses.

We like to see trees from a very long, far-off distance, preferably not blocking any white water, meadow and hillside views that our blue-chip and “founding Sea Ranch father” architects obviously designed our houses’ orientation around. Joseph Esherick didn’t put that northwest-facing window there, just to stare at a bunch of tree trunks and wax myrtle.

We’re not against certain trees because of forest fires and rising insurance premiums. We mean, we are, we guess. But more importantly, we just don’t think most of them look great. Especially up close.

If we had to pick the one tree we like least at The Sea Ranch, it’s the Douglas Fir. They don’t grow well in this environment and are inevitably stunted, needle-bare and just aren’t attractive. So we’d support a ban on those.

Fauna

We think wildlife at The Sea Ranch is over-rated and we pledge to end the incessant celebration of our banal neighbors. It’s too much and, frankly, after you see a few hunky bucks, red tailed hawks or foxes, you’ve seen them all.

Trail cam photos will be banned. Pictures or videos of the sheep will also be banned.

The whales are still pretty cool, though. Not banned.

Diversity on The Board of Directors

Our diversity contribution to the TSRA board’s demographic mix would be “meh”, at best. But we would bring a diverse range of quitting experience to the TSRA board. One of our editors dropped out of high school and another dropped out of their Ph.D. program.

Here’s another one for you. One of our editors lived in Boston and in Pittsburg, PA in quick succession about 20 years ago. That editor says, if they were forced to choose between living in one of those places again, they’d favor Pittsburgh “any flippin’ day of the week, no contest.” Believe us, we’ve pressed hard on this issue and can report that we have no reason to doubt that editor’s sincerity. So how’s that for diversity! I bet none of the other board members would make the same, bold and controversial claim!

Equestrians

We are in favor of equestrians. But we propose a CC&R amendment stating that any hiking TSRA member who produces a valid membership ID, on any trail, while passing a horse and/or being passed by a horse is entitled to a single sincere apology from the rider.

A simple, “I am sooooo sorry” while making deep eye contact will suffice.

Vacation Rentals

They’re fine. But the renters don’t know how to check themselves into Moonraker pool and we know FOR A FACT that whenever we see food sitting at the bottom of the shallow end of that pool, there’s a vacation renter behind it.

Vacation renters are barbarians at the gate. And deep down inside, you know it too. Also, do you really believe we’d need those eyesore signs that remind you not to bring your adult children into the wrong bathroom at Moonraker if vacationers weren’t there? Of course not.

We believe that short-term rentals should be allowed, so long as the renters are (primarily) confined to the unit they are renting. They should only be allowed on our trails between 4 am and 7 am, and maybe again just after dusk, to draw predator attention away from actual property owners. And they should never be allowed into Moonraker pool until they learn some manners.

And, frankly, we should just give up our member rights the Ohlson pool. The rental vacationers have won that territory and without drastic measures, it’s not changing anytime soon.

But we should employ the same tactics that we recommend for equestrians. Any time a member produces a membership ID card to a vacation renter at Ohlson, the renter will be required to offer a sincere sounding apology (e.g., “I’m so, so sorry we’re using your pool today.”)

Restrooms

We are in support of sizable, permanent restrooms in same vein as those found in U.S. National Parks, so long as they are restricted to two areas of The Sea Ranch: holes 1 through 10 at the links course and in that big meadow that the Lodge owns.

Pickleball

We refuse to take any stance on this deeply controversial issue. For one, we are unqualified to address it. For two, it’s just too important to mess up.

We support creating three task forces with overlapping responsibilities and remits to investigate our options and provide lengthy reports to the entire TSRA membership.

Bikes on Trails

We’re fans of mountain and trail biking as much as the next middle age-ish, affluent guy with an abundance of free time. But let’s face facts: our trails are a collective mountain biking yawn. They are just not that challenging, or even that interesting.

Since the ratio of pleasure over damage to trails is so small, we support a total ban of all bikes, on all trails, at all times. The snoozer ride is just not worth it. Bike on a road and save us all some trail maintenance.

COVID-19

We are in favor of any proposal that would completely ban COVID-19 at The Sea Ranch. In fact, we can’t figure out why more governments haven’t thought of that.

Reproductive Rights At The Sea Ranch

We are not in favor of some proposals we have seen, recommending a ban on any abortions not scheduled at least 6 weeks in advance of conception. That seems too draconian, even for this rule-loving bunch.

Concluding Thoughts

We’re excited to bring bold new thinking to the TSRA board of directors. We thank the existing board members for their consideration and look forward to downing a few kamikaze shots with them at the Lodge after they vote us into their esteemed ranks.