About 3 months ago, the owner/proprietor of Fog Bottle Shop in Mendocino reached out and asked if we ran promoted content/advertisements for local businesses.

We wish we could (the owner of Fog Bottle Shop clearly has great taste). But we can’t.

You see, we use so much imagery without permission, we’d be in deep litigation doo doo if we were a commercial endeavor. For our elementary school readers who don’t know what “commercial” means, it means we can’t make any money on The Sea Ranch Reader. We can only spend it. Otherwise, we might violate a bazillion copyright laws, depending on what judge(s) we got stuck with. At least that’s our seasoned, and extensive, legal team’s perspective on the matter.

But we thought it was so sweet of Fog Bottle Shop to reach out, we should run a gratis promotion for them.

You hear that? Gratis as in unpaid. We’re not taking any money from Fog Bottle Shop. They didn’t even ask us to write something about them.

And if we’ve used some photo of yours in the past and you’re upset about that, we encourage you to ‘bring it’. We have the best legal team in the business and savor frivolous lawsuits just like the refreshing natural wines at Fog Bottle Shop.

So anyway, here’s the copy for the advertisement we made for them just now. Real fast.

Please note that we have never been to Fog Bottle Shop and did not share this draft with them for their review (sorry about that).

Fog Bottle Shop offers over 500 esoteric (but affordable) natural wines, unfiltered sakes, and bitter IPAs that you won’t find at Safeway, Sprouts, Harvest, Purity, or Down Home Foods in nearby Fort Bragg.

We specialize in beverages that elicit one of three different reactions:

1. “I’ve never understood why people like wine so much! Where has natural wine been all of my life? I’ve finally found a wine that matches my challenging personality!“
2. “I definitely don’t get this sort of stuff, but I’m too pretentious to admit it and will continue to drink rare natural wines until it becomes unfashionable.”
3. “I’d rather give up alcohol than drink natural wine.”

Our knowledgeable staff will meet you halfway in any transaction. If you are a tourist from a landlocked state and are intimidated in most wine or sake purchasing scenarios, we will never condescend. We will guide you to the right bottle for your occasion and budget, all the-while giving the impression that your ultimate selection was based on your particular taste and free will.

If you’re from a real city, such as San Francisco, New York or certain parts of Los Angeles County, we will listen patiently as you patronize us with half-baked vinicultural perspectives and thank you for telling us what we already know about wine or, more likely, misunderstandings about wine growing, production, distribution, and enjoyment that you picked-up from some place we don’t respect (i.e., the tasting room at Scribe).

So just buy something here. It’s a win-win for both of us.

Just kidding. We’re sure the folks over at Fog Bottle Shop are totally cool. At least they seemed so over Facebook Messenger (or whatever it’s called).

You’re welcome everyone,

The Sea Ranch Reader Editors